Saturday, May 28, 2005
ok. i did those things..
it's not that i did not think through what my mom has been telling me ok?
it's because.. when i asked u if u wanted to put it on hold.. u were so reluctant..
and u told me tt ur mom now still is ok with everything..
and i just din noe what to do.
the truth is, part of me wanted to put it on hold, for the both of us..
part of me wondered id it were ever possible, we could still stay together and go throught the whole thing together.
ur not the only one who's loosing it ok?
and why do u put all the blame on me..? i don get it..
i try.. i try.. i try my best to always make u happy..
i tried asking u. i thought that maybe if i asked u over the phone, it'd portray to u that i'm more serious abt puttin it on hold, n that way i can get ur straight reaction to the thing. and yeah, u din wanna. so, since u din wanna, i followed u.
i was talking to you yesterday, and the cordless lost connection,
i tried calling u back, i din noe u called and were already on the phone with my mom.
and to hear that ur mom said to my mom that i've been seeing u after school so many times, and that i'm a bad influence who's caused u to drop ur title of a straight a student. and that i'm the cause of all the prblems over there..i was devastated.
but can't argue, cuz i do not know anything. i took it. ok?
but i don get why she thinks i've been seeing u ever so often behind her back.
she says i'm not straight with my mom. i tell u, the only time i acually lied to my mom when i went out with u, was tt thursday. i told her everything else. (of course except us making out and all la)
and i didn't think that nothing was wrong ok? this morning.. i was all clouded with thoughts, memories and worries.. what do u want me to do? i'm not perfect ok?
i can't be thinking about it the whole time too.. it's really depressing.. cuz if anything, i'd rather be laughing with u. that morning, that afternoon, that night.. i wasn't thinking about it.. i didn't want to. cuz i know i've talked to u about it before.. and tt u weren't too keen on it.. i din want to do anything.. so ok, thats my mistake. i'm sorry.. maybe i should've just kept harping on the subject.. i should've just petsering u to put it on hold.. but u see.. i wanted to put it on hold.. for our o's. but i also wanted to forget about it, for ur happiness.. apperently.. i'm quite the idiot ok? i should've just forced it..
if it makes u feel any better this morning, i cried afterwards.. after talking to u on msn.. ok? i cried like a baby in my bed.. just thinking how i acted like nothing was wrong, when everything was wrong.. why do u think i wanted to send u tt message...
and later my mom came in(i've stopped crying), she took my phone and read my messages.. urs actually.. to tell u the truth(since u want it so much allt he time), she was really angry with u.. cuz she said, u twisted alot of stuff ur mom and her talked about last night..
i dunno ok? i'm lost.. i really am..
and it was difficult for me not to do it the way i did. u, of all people, should noe i've got a big problem with forcing ppl. u were so unwilling to put us on hold.. i din noe how to just keep harping on the subject.
u were always, not wanting to talk about the o's and horrible grades..
i respected ur desicions.. i followed u..
i end up betraying u..
and hutring u..
i'm really sorry for doing that. i didn't mean to.
sometimes, i really don noe what u really want..
so i dunno what to do, what to say..
i'm sorry for doing u wrong and saying the wrong things to u.
i really loved u too..
i'm sure i still do..
i'll always love u..
i just hope after this 6 months.. u can understand me more..
and can u please.. tell me.. if i have made any empty promises to u..
i actually blogged at 6:06 PM
pleaseshootme
